I can't go back

I have placed myself in seclusion from 'stuff'.

I am seeking, diligently, God's heart.
What I want is to sell all our possessions and move to Panama and take in children that are in the jungle... who need food, shelter, love. And Panama makes sense because that's where Alan is.

Mexico is also an option.

But I live here.
My life is here. My parents.

I'm not entirely sure how Paul feels. He's kinda quite but he can surprise me sometimes.

Tiffany, she is going to college and will live near my parents and they will watch over her.

I have been thinking about this a long long long long time.
Now what.
I've canceled out my entire plate of obligations that do not apply directly to my family.
I'm waiting.
I went to the Los Palomas orphanage and walked away changed. Without my permission. Now I have no idea what to do with myself.
Children without. It hurt to see these babies without mamas to hold them.

It just changed me.

I try really hard to not spoil Annah.

But, granted, she is 3 and she is being raised by us old foggies and an almost 20 year old sister... she may not be spoiled per se but the child is greatly encompassed in huge love. We clap at her art, laugh at her antics, hug her cuteness, smile at her adorable spirit....she's loved, she's absolutely adored. But, I still work on her character, virtue... I do discipline....Paul disciplines granted not so smoothly as I do. He is kinda all over the map sometimes. Tiffany's discipline lacks the proper respect from Annah and Annah will curtly tell Tiffany "Watch your tone!!!". Ha!
But so anyways.

I stepped foot into this orphanage and when I turned around to come home... the door was changed. I didn't fit through it or it was gone or something because no matter how much I would like to of come back the same way... I came back different and now I'm just crazy weird. I'm deeply troubled, moved, humbled, burdened.
These children... they are craving love so much. They followed me around with outstretched arms to be held. They cried to be held. Thats all they wanted was to be held. Of course Annah wanted to eat. She told me she was hungry like every 2 hours and these kids not once ever mentioned hunger. And, Annah wanted different bread or the crust cut off.... the orphanage runs on donations so the daily bread that day was this thick brown Orowheat type stuff... very heavy wheat and these kids just ate it, crust included.

It wasn't uncommon for me to walk outside the orphanage (fenced in) and find a baby toddling around. Mostly little girls too. Triple the amount of girls then boys.

They have a ton of donated clothes. Nice clothes. But, the kids wear like lets say pink pants with purple polka dot shirts... completely unmatched but, you know... when you are doing that much laundry I'm sure you dont' have time to try and match up outfits. I guess it bothered me somewhat but, I got over it.

So coming home in the state of mind I was in... and I was already a bit troubled and wishing to escape to Volcan... to help in the jungle.... I talked about it alot...but it was mostly talk right... I mean, how can I really go there without Paul wanting too... its not like most people jump up and down to go to a third world country... "hey honey, lets go!!!"... mostly I keep getting met with comments of "what do you think you can do?" "why do you think if you move there you can do anything".... and I honestly get stumped... so I say back "well.... I can take in children"... I don't know. But, I obviously have to have resources but, I figure, if we sold our home and land... we could really actually live the rest of our lives in Volcan on what we could potentially make on our home.

So, because I am troubled, burdened...bothered...Some issues confuse me right now.
Confusion is not of God.
Maybe confuse is not the word.
Words are so important aren't they?

In so many situations...using just one wrong word can change an entire sentence meaning.

Things that are troubling me. Thats better.
So I guess the bottom line is I am just a troubled individual.
deeply
burdened
and I don't know what to do about it
I can look forward to the next trip to Mexico
for 4 short days
But
what I want
is to live it

How does this look to God?

Is He finding me completely irrational and ridiculous... does He think I am cursing the great gifts He has given me because believe me... America is a great gift... my hot baths and comfortable bed and fluffy pillow and peanut butter sandwich on my favorite bread with a big glass of organic milk and elf sandwich cookies is a gift. This life is a gift that God has given me... us. The privileges and stuff... and to whom much is given, much is expected.

So does God see me as ungrateful... no, I really don't think so. Because believe me, I know what I got. I absolutely know. I am undeniably grateful, thankful, humbled.

I've enjoyed it all. I do enjoy it all and take none of it for granted. I don't even quite comprehend the great blessings I have received by God's hand and nobody could tell me they are not directly from my Father God. I don't understand it totally but, I am thankful beyond expression.

What does that look like to God and whats He going to do with me? Leave me here to stew in this until I have no other options but to resume life as it is or maybe by some miracle a series of events can happen and Paul does indeed feel that need to get out and get going???? Do you think? I don't think he knows this is like all in his hands...he's going to work, doing his soccer games and living the American dream and I sit here waiting for him to have some sort of revelation and the guy has honestly never had a revelation in his life so this should be quite an awesome experience for him!

I think we need an on the road to Damascus intervention and then to get us to Volcan we would need a parting of the Red Sea Miracle...

And, as I wait.....
I am forgetting I am a foster home....
no calls
why
because we are one of 100 openings in Collin County
thats probably about 20 families
sure God can always make sure we are picked
but at the same time
like my mama always said
"while your praying for rain, someone just as significant to God is praying it won't rain"
so...
God may look at those other homes and find them more significant than us
The state of Texas isn't placing children much anymore
they place with family, friends, anyone but foster care
In January alone only 1 placement in Collin County happened.
That was for a teenager.
We are open for drug exposed newborns.
Whats the likelihood?
I betcha it would certainly calm me down to
have a baby in need to care for.
I just don't think its very likely and I have to accept that.

In the meantime, I will wait to see what and if God has anything to show me.