Its been an interesting journey, these past 4 years of being a foster care family.I brace myself literally with every placement because I do not know what will take place in my heart. I do know that so far, every emotion has been appropriate for every case. With Annah, I felt I would die if I lost her. I have never fainted but I felt faint every time I thought we would lose her and I could not comprehend life without her in it. This was appropriate because God knew she would become our daughter.
My second baby we had from birth to 13 months. She arrived when Annah was 3 months old. To the very end it would of seemed we would be adopting but, a the end of that time, a judge sent her unexpectedly to her dad.
However, from day one I knew in my heart I would not have her and had even told my friends that she would not be staying because I knew deep inside BUT after several months I ignored that thought and crossed over that boundary line of *Knowing* and her and Annah became my babies. They were my girls. When the decision was made by the judge, it was actually rather sudden and unexpected and the caseworker had to drive over to my house and take her from my arms that very day and to top it all off, the following day was Annah's adoption ceremony. The song "God gives and takes away" comes to mind. I never had bitterness nor anger over losing her, just deep heart pain.I had spent an hour packing up all her stuff as she chattered and played and gave me butterfly kisses. Its an image and moment forever burned in my mind. I still see her stuck in time at 13 months old... toddling around in little Gymboree pink cowgirl footed pajamas and walking around me as I packed up her things and talking on her play phone, oblivious that the the only home and family she ever knew was about to disappear from her life. She is now almost 3 and I still can cry at the drop of a hat over her. I have never seen her again.
I believe with all my heart she needed to go to her dad...that was her destiny from God and she needed to go and He obviously forewarned me. Did it break me, yes it did. It took me months to accept another placement call.
After her, we had several little ones come to our home who actually did become adoptable and whom we participated in the transition of them going to forever families. We opted out of adoption because that is what my emotions and heart and mind felt was right and I believe God had these families for them and we just held them until they could go. Every emotion has been appropriate to the case we had.
Right now I am going through many thoughts... I want to be in full time mission ministry. I want to go to South America & join up with YWAM and go into jungles and live it full time. But another side of my heart wants to know if we should just simply adopt 5 more children and get a Toy French Poodle and stay. ???? I dont' know. I am leaning towards YWAM but, I have learned that we just dont' always know what God has planned. And notice I say "I" alot and not "We".... thats because these are my thoughts and do not necessarily reflect my dear husbands. :)
So my caseworker is not here yet...but its only 8:44 and since its a surpirse visit who knows.... so I guess I will go make some breakfast... Life cereal or maybe Nutty Chocolate icecream.... or maybe French Toast with Peanut butter... Annah's favorite and mine too. :)
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